I'll just put this here because it's been in my head all night

"Your tongue is sharp/ but I miss the taste of it"

thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about the things I want to do, and how time spent doing them limits other possibilities, and when I think about this stuff too much that's when I sometimes shut down. If I think on it a reasonable amount it is good motivation though. It's always been very hard to work on something, or endure something now for what I want in the future, especially if I am miserable or just can't see the end. I always see that thing in the future as either unattainable, or something that'll just come on its own without my work. Neither option is true and I am learning that. I'm learning to set goals, and have self-discipline, as an adult, and it's really hard. All I know is I do not want my kids growing up with the complete lack of structure, self-discipline, or organization I was given as a child. I was taught none of this basic shit other people take for granted and it makes it really fucking hard sometimes to get where you wanna be in life.

updates

I've been working out so hard this past week. I've gotten some good sleep off and on too. I finally made a B workout that makes me want to die the whole way through but I can still completely accomplish all my sets, it's just hard work and seriously pouring sweat. I need to tweak my A workout now because it feels too easy in contrast.

The Easy Way

"I don't wanna tell you how I could love you, I don't wanna scare you right away, I don't wanna watch you live some other life, I gotta think of somethin' to say."

We'll never sleep, god knows we'll try

I haven't been able to sleep for weeks. I work out. I take the dog on 5 mile afternoon walks. At night I feel tired. I put myself to bed at a reasonable hour and drink chamomile tea and read books and it JUST WON'T HAPPEN. Any emotional disruption in my life leaves me an insomniac again. Even when I had a boy to come home to me every night,even though I slept so much better in that situation, if he was out late or staying elsewhere I could never sleep. Being a recovering insomniac= my sleep cycle being forever balanced on a tightrope I guess. This needs to be resolved very soon because the clear mindfulness I'd attained through good sleep, food, and being super active is crumbling and I'm getting headaches, irritable all day, and scatterbrained again. I'm loving banjo. So much easier than fiddle, but my fiddle 2 class has basically become a music theory class which is incredibly helpful (and mentally challenging) and I'm basically slowly learning how chords and scales work and how to play with other instruments, etc. Also working on code year at codeacademy.com Just gotta keep busy so the cold doesn't get me down. God I just want to be in love. And have a social life of people who actually want/can do stuff. Halloween is one of my favorite days and no one I know is doing shit. Some shows and such going on I could go to alone, but that combined with the severe sleep deprivation lately made me stay in and hand out candy. I also had fiddle, and had to do payroll tonight so whatever. Gotta get back on my swimming and yoga. I've been slacking there for a couple weeks too. Everything basically falls to shit when I can't sleep and it can go on for months. Onward!

Ugh

another surprise extra bummer heartachy night. I hate how they sneak up on me. I've had such a busy weekend, shoots and editing everyday I'm not at the hospital. Then once I'm home, alone, it hits me. Sooo lonely and longing and all that stupid shit. That's what it is, just stupid shit. 2012 is definitely the saddest year ever.

Seriously.

Need a good cry but I'm afraid once I start I'd never be able to stop bawling.